Melancholia

This summer has gotten off to a rather boring start.

The new apartment is working out really well. It's gigantic for just the pair of us. We're still trying to get used to all the room. And our lack of dishwasher. I've been working on progressively cleaning the place so it's starting to feel more like home. Esp. after today and my OCD cleaning/hanging things fit. There are some more decorative things we need to get to make this place feel more homey but we're getting there.

I've been having to debate with a new job recently. The politics of my **part time** food and bev job have gotten to a point that I dread going to work. It's not so much the employees. We only have a handful of weedables this season. It's just the fact that I'm apparently so good at my job it's starting to feel like I'm being punished for being too good. I should be happy that I'm respected enough to be put in what are considerably fantastic sections most days. However, this generally keeps me there till close and often hours later. This isn't my career path. When I'm pulling all nighters to finish a project that I'm passionate about that'll be one thing. Wearing myself thin in the hopes that this customer will tip me well just isn't worth it anymore. On the flipside it seems foolish to leave and find something new because I'll be graduating in December so hopefully I'll find something quickly to get out of this industry.

Maybe it's the city. The constant ebb and flow of unfamiliar faces with the random croppings of the familiar. I'm looking forward to going home for a few days for Father's day. I need to not see Charleston for a few days. I also get to see my wonderful friend Adam for a lunch date between his shows this weekend. That should help to see a face that will be in my life for a long time. Best friend visits always help a lot.

I'm also frustrated with feeling almost numb. I'm not meaning this in a feeling depressed I need to see someone kind of way. Since Jesse and I broke up I've just not had any sort of urge to pursue anything that would surmount to a worthwhile relationship with the opposite sex. I'm angry at myself because I let myself break my promise to myself with Jesse. Before him I'd had a 10month and 2 year relationship. Afterwards I told myself that I was going to remove myself from relationships for a full year. Well I didn't make that full year. I early by about a month. I know right now I'm still bitter towards the whole thing, and that he was in my life for a reason. But right now I don't know the reason so I'm frustrated with myself for not upholding my own promise. Now I just wonder what would've been different had I held off. Could we have still been friends after the break up? Would we have even dated? Would I still have fallen in love with him in the end? Too many what if questions hang around the whole fiasco.

It's funny, just thinking about it the numbness goes away because I can feel the heartbreak again. That's probably what frustrates me the most. Numbness is the worst description because I'm not numb I'm just scared of having to do this again. You're supposed to fall in love over and over again right? But how many times can you be the one who cares the most and gets crushed before you're too broken to try again? It's silly I know. I just wish I could say that almost 3 months later I could be more over this, but I sadly must admit I'm not.

Maybe not talking to him was a bad idea. I've cut him out of my life completely. I can't say if it was the right move. I guess we'll find out the first time I run into him again?

Well then, now that I've let all that out in a post that could rival my middle school livejournal and ujournals, I guess I should allow my melancholia to fester in a less public domain.

We learn simply by the exposure of living. Much that passes for education is not education at all but ritual. The fact is that we are being educated when we know it least.

- David P. Gardner