New Holes, New Thoughts, New Chapter

So this semester got a little more hectic that I would've expected. What with the whole mono thing that was only to be expected. However, the semester is over and after two exams I'll be a free woman for the summer. HOLLA!

Yesterday, in celebration of the end of the year (a day later than everyone else since I had to work a double on reading day) my darling friend Meg and I went and got new piercings. We both got our Tragus pierced (not my ear btw). I went first due to my horrible fear of needles and boy am I glad I did. This frightening fish hook of a needle is what they used to pierce my ear. Not what I wanted to see when they did Meg's but I sure am glad I saw it after mine was done.

The acctual piercing itself wasn't too bad. For me it was just warm once the needle went through from it being in the sanitizer till right before the piercing (I'm very defiant that I don't need to see what you're sticking me with, I just wanna see the jewelry). Meg's reaction was slightly different involving a few dozen swear words and some very minor bleeding. But at the end of the day we're both pretty happy with what we got.

After I parted from Meg and her roommate Ashley who joined us for this adventure at Cupcake I headed home and starting thinking about my love of piercings. This piercing makes my ninth one. Two holes in both lobes, two in my upper cartiledge on the right, forward helix on the right, nose, and now my tragus on the left. There has generally been at least year between each piercing to give me time to really think about what I may or may not get next. I love all of my piercings. I don't wear all of them all the time because the effect is a little overwhelming sometimes but for now I wear everything often enough that they don't close up. But the question is why do I love piercings over tattoos or other body modifications?

Life is too full of change for me to want anything as permanant as a tattoo. Don't get me wrong, if I ever jumped the gun and got one I know exactly what I would get, but that's just not something I'm interested in. Plus the whole needles being jabbed into your skin 100s of times a minute isn't apppealing to me. The only thing in my life that I'll ever want to be as permanant as a tattoo will be the future hubby years down the road. Piercings don't hold the forever stigma with them. Yeah some people will look at you differently for having them but that's their perogitive. With piercings, when I reach "the real world" I can take them out and move on with my life. I won't have to worry about cover up or removal by lasers or any crazy shit like that. For now it's a fun way to express myself without going over board.

This is also the first piercing I've gotten while single in over 4 years. That might sound random and not connected at all, but it's like a new chapter. I'm not tied to anyone so the only person I care to ask an opinion on about getting a new piercing is myself. Not that any significant other in the past has has problems with piercings but it's one less person to ask. Now that we're moving into summer I'm looking at my first single summer in a few years as well. I think I'd like this care free summer before I think about moving into anytning else. Ignore anything I may have said before. I don't need to rush into anything yet. I think a full year of being single will be good for me. I've learned a lot about myself this year, and I still have more to learn before I commit to anything else. After two long back to back relationships I need to rediscover myself before I discover anyone else.

So I'm starting to ramble a little bit. Guess that means I'm gonna wrap this one up. But I will certainly work on keeping up with this better over the summer. I think...O:-)

I've continued to recognize the power individuals have to change virtually anything and everything in their lives in an instant. I've learned that the resources we need to turn our dreams into reality are within us, merely waiting for the day when we decide to wake up and claim our birthright.- Anthony Robbins

Can I have more steriods please?

So it finally hit me, that darling little disease called mono.

Wonderful.

Now while I'm going to enjoy having extra time off of work and the abitlity to "relax" a lot more, I am quite ready for my tonsils to stop touching the the golf ball sized lymphnodes on my neck to go away. I'd also like to not look like a yellow-eyed creeper anymore. (Thanks for working so hard liver, but the side effects are super creepy)

Mono, the best birthday present ever! Also, I'm apparently not ever supposed to have a raging crazy birthday because we were going to make up for 21 this year since it was majorly low key last year. This year I got to spend my birthday in the fetal position because it was orginally thought that I didn't have mono so I was given amoxicillin....BAD NEWS BEARS! No good news will ever come of antibiotics and mono together. They aren't friends. Fastest and most painful diet ever? Yes.

Los padres did come to visit me for the day today. Since I'm finally able to eat food again (seriously, mono hate antibiotics) they took me to lunch to make up for my birthday and then took me grocery shopping which was awesome because I'm really tired of take out food. Plus it's just nice to have your parents take care of you when you feel like you've been run over by a truck.

the steriods to get the swelling in my throat down run out monday. i'm going to be a very sad panda when that happens because they are working wonderfully right now. cough drops just aren't cutting it in the time between doses either. boooooo

I apologize for this being a little ranty/scattered. I'm sick, so shoot me lol. I just want to feel awake and human like again.

The modern sympathy with invalids is morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.
-Oscar Wilde

Hello from a Zombie

It's Saturday night. I'm sitting at home working on homework that is due Monday in the hopes that one of my friends will still be able to com visit tomorrow night. I just looked up in the mirror for a minute and I swear I just saw Zombie. Except...the pale faced, black-bags-under-the-eyes person staring back at me was, well, me.

Oh the college life and lack of sleep. Awesome. Now back to trying to learn the 200 pages of AP Style for Mass Media. Just had to laugh at myself for jumping at my own reflection.

Everything changes but change itself. Everything flows and nothing remains the same...You cannot step twice into the same river, for other waters and yet others go flowing ever on. - Heraclitus

The girl with Curves

If you've ever seen a picture of me, you might have noticed two things about about me. I call them thing one and thing two - my big 'ol honkin' boobs. These giantic monsters have been with me since I was in late elem school/early middle school. Yes, they're 100% real and mostly exist due to the genetics on both sides of my family.

Now, why do I start this post talking about my breasts? Well I've been thinking a lot about my physical appearance recently, specifically after the new year. One of the things I promised myself (after promising to follow these resolutions since I broke the 5 year resolution of not making resolutions) was that was I was going to take better care of my physical self this year.

Now, I'm not talking about trying to mold myself into any kind of creepy-skinny-never-eats-enough kinda girl. Just treating my body better and doing things to take care of it. So I've started small so I can make sure I'll build upon this goal. I've continued with something I'd started a while back - portion control - and tried to throw in some more health consious foods. I also have continued the tradition of not denying myself things I'm craving. I won't gorge myself on any of it but I will eat what my body wants within reason.

Recently I've started walking. This trend didn't start as a I have to get healthy sorta craze. It actually started the night I talked about in my last posting. After that however I've come to enjoy a daily walk whenever I can get it in. I'm pretty successful at it Sun-Thurs. I just put my iPod on shuffle and walk around untill my body decides I've walked enough for the day (this usually hit after about an hour of walking around).

These walks have been very cleansing for days where I have a lot swirling through my mind. By the time I get home I feel a little lighter than I did when I left in terms of everything on my mind.

One of the things that has been on my mind recently is my body shape. I'm very proportionally built. This is one good thing I can say about myself. I'm fairly thick all around but it doesn't seem as much because I'm big 'ol damn boobs. However, even knowing I'm not built in a funky manner, I've always though of myself as fat. Always. Disgusting body image really. It really took me a long time to ever look in the mirror and like or at least be comfortable with what I saw there. It's gotten much better recently. Predominatly more so since I've been working on being better to myself. In that I've recently decided something: Yes, I'm going to continue walking and will eventually make it to the gym. However, this is not going to be an extremist I have to lose weight sort of idea. I just want my body to be and feel healthier. Orginally I had a weight goal in mind when I set this resolution to be better to myself, but I realized when I had the revelation about wanting to be healthier that at the end of the day if I met that weight goal I'd miss my curves and my figure. Yeah it's going to change some in the process of getting healthy, but I've always been a curvy girl and I realized I don't want that to change.

So, to my knockers and the body that is proportion to them - here's a healthier outlook on us. Cheers.

You cannot escape the results of your thoughts. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration. - James Allen

Frozen evenings and nostalgia

Well classes started back today. Ought to be an interesting semester. Maybe I'll even have some interesting stories for you all later in the semester. We'll certainly find out.


Today however I've found myself in rare form.


I consider myself a very strong person. I put up with a lot of shit. Really, most poeple would not stand for some of the things I've learned how to handle and work through with my friends. But again, this is a strength many people don't have. I'm aware of it, and my friends are aware of it. They've become better about recognizing and appriciating this quality more in recent weeks.


Today however I found myself in a very strange mood. I didn't sleep well sunday night so after I got home from classes I cleaned the kitchen up from cooking food for 30+ ppl on saturday and then tried to nap/relax. Well I didn't really relax....at all. My nap was more of a nightmare. I woke up sobbing because of the dream I had while I was napping.


Before I explain the dream, let first explain to everyone who may not know about my right eye. I'm for lack of a better explaination blind in that eye. I still have vision in it to a point but it's clairity is very limited and only on the left side of my vision in that eye. The rest is a big blurry mess that elminates parts of ppls faces and distorts pictures and other things I might be looking at with that eye. When both eyes are open my left eye is strong enough to cancell this anomaly out, but if for some reason I can only look with my right eye I'm basically blind. I've seen 9 different doctors, 10 including my regular optomitrist, and no one is sure why my eye is like this. It started as a hole in my Macula, and then progressed all the way to scheduling an MRI to make sure I didn't have occular cancer. Thankfully I'm cancer free but we still don't know what is wrong.


Anyway, I worry about this daily. I'm supposed to see my doctor in Feb for a follow up to see if anything has changed since my MRI. I'm petrified that they're going to find something new this time and it'll be something that can't be fixed with laser surgery or the like.


Today, I had a dream that I was in Charleston a few days after my upcoming doctors appt. Apparently, in the dream at least, I had several tests done that day and my doctor told us he'd call after he went over the results to let us know what he thought. The few days later happened to fall on my birthday in this dream. The phone call I got in the dream was that they'd found a mass on my optic nerve that extended to my brain. Well of course in the nightmare this equally epic cancer and when I woke up I was crying my eyes out.


This put me in a terribly funk for the rest of the day. I've been restless, nervous, tired, tense, and unwilling to socialize. At 10:30 I had a desperate need to walk. Beautiful timing for late night Charleston when all the crazies would be out. So arming myself with layers upon layers of warm clothing and my mace open and ready in case the worst should happen I decided to walk despite the hour. I was gone for about an hour, froze my ass off and still didn't feel any better.


Well what do I do to fix evenings such as these? Easy. First of all you have to understand I hate crying. I find it to be the ultimate sign of weakness. If I'm going to cry and get everything out I'm going to do it alone in the privacy of my own room so no one else has to see my weakness. Anyway, I digress. To fix evenings where I can pinpoint why the water works won't shut down I watch some sort of movie that is promised to make me cry, lock myself in my room, and then sob my face off. I show weakness only to myself. That is the only time it's acceptable. For me at least.


So tonight I watched a movie I purchased this summer and then never sat down to watch because I realized watching it would make me cry for hours. Marley & Me. A movie that is terribly adorably and quite hilarious. It is also one of the sadest movies I've ever watched in my life. Let's put into perspective how much that movie got to me...I just started tearing up remembering why I find it so sad.


If you know me well, you know I'm a passionate dog lover. My heart melts even for the ugliest dogs.


When I was about 6 or 7 we got our first dog. Callie. She was one of the smartest, most caring, most compassionate dogs I've ever known in my life. She knew before you were even through the door what kind of mood you were walking in with. You'd always get the same welcome home reaction, but she knew how to act towards you based off your mood after that. She was protective enough without being a frightening dog. She was priss too. Oh how she hated when it rained. Again though, going back to the point of why she was so damn smart because her water bowl would hardly be touched days it was raining. Callie didn't believe in wet paws.



The non-blurry one is Callie. This was Senior Year Farmers day right before the Dorman vs Spartan High Game



When I was in 8th grade, whatever age that equates to, we got our second dog Ginger. The idea behind this was Callie was getting older and we didn't want her to lose her spark. It certainly wasn't love at first site between the pair of them. Callie was not excited to be gated in the kitchen all day with a wild puppy who wasn't house broken yet. I wish I had pictures with me of the pair of them when Ginger was a puppy including Ginger sitting on Callie's head (incidentially she still fights by backing into things with her butt); the pair of them laying the same way on the floor (on their sides, legs straight out) one above the other; or the picture where Callie looks like she's protecting Ginger from me taking another picture. However, this puppy, who was picked after mom had the owner move the desk she was hiding under to see her (her favorite place to sleep is under the bed now), turned out to be a great little shadow for the stubborn old dog.



This is Ginger during Christmas 09. Thats an empty can of corned beef she protected and carried around for a good hour. She's adorable.


So, back to the two together. Callie demanded certain things as a sign of respect from Ginger. First, Ginger never got treats first. Ever. If for some reason we gave Ginger a treat first, Ginger wouldn't start eating hers untill Callie did. Going outside, Callie went first. Ginger didn't drink from the water bowl they shared while Callie was drinking. But that was about it. Other than that they were equals. They'd curl up next to each other in this gigantic ball of fluff. At night Callie slept in her dog bed and Ginger curled up under my parents bed. This was just the way things worked.


Time goes by however. Callie did eventually get old. She had achey joints, hard time eating, took longer going up and down the stairs, etc. (This is the point in the movie where I started sobbing uncontrolably because that was the worst thing to watch in real life and the movie). At one point her pain got so bad she couldn't make it up or down any flight of steps. We thought we were going to have to put her down when this happened. The vet however bought us some more time. He gave her two shots into her hips to ease her pain and she was put on a wet food diet so she could chew more easily and we could slip pain pills into her bowl. This was great for several weeks. We tried to get her to sleep downstairs, but she was a stubborn dog and refused to sleep anywhere that wasn't near mom. So she continued to hobble up and down the stairs despite our best efforts.


The hardest and sweetest part about this time was watching Ginger react to all of this. She knew something was wrong. How do you explain to a dog that her best friend is dying before her eyes? You can't. You can only stand by and watch as she does what in her mind is a way of helping. Little nudges, whimpers of encouragement, and the like. It was heartwrenching to watch.

Callie passed away about 3 years ago now. It's true what they say about dogs going somewhere outside to die if they can help it. She went in the back yard. When I got home that day I was told she'd passed not 15 minutes after I left for work that morning. I can't imagine if I'd been there. Mom and Brent heard her when it happened and where with her when she passed. Even my dad who is by nature a huge cat person cried some. It was terrible.


I still miss her. She really was like a big furry sister to me. Words can't describe how much I'll cry when it's Ginger's turn. I saw the first major signs that my baby was getting old at Christmas when my parents had raised their bed so Ginger could crawl under it more easily. That's going to be a terrible day when she dies.


But it's why I totally believe this video I'm going to use instead of my usual quote at the end. God made the Dog as an earth bound form of himself to have tangible undeniable love.


Also, excuse my blubbering. This again, is me in rare form.

Reminders of why the internet is a scary place

So we've kicked out one of our roommates. She really stuck us in a lurch so we've been desperatly trying to get a new roommate ASAP. Well in today's world the quickest way to find a new roommate when everyone else you know has housing is to post on craigslist.

That's what I did as soon as I got myself to a viable internet source at home. I gave the bare minimum to get ppl interested in the apt and have been going from there. No one has anything more specific about the apt than what street it's on (not the number) and that it's two story. Well that's just about every apt on the street so that really doesn't give much away for the super crazies to try and find us.

Well our rent is pretty cheap for Charleston so I've gotten a lot of reponse for the room. I've had a lot of bot responses telling me where else to post my listing and ppl who just legit sound crazy or ask for all sorts of personal info right out of the gate to "send me money." These certainly haven't deemed and more than for me to hit the junk button and contiue about my day.

The other day however I recieved an e-mail from a girl name "Lauren Martin." Her first e-mail didn't seem to suspious. It was asking about the neighborhood and some general inquiries that I'd make about any apt I was looking at. I kindly answered her questions without giving away anything telling her where we were specificly and asked her some questions of my own in the effort to see if this girl could be a potential new roommate.

This is the next e-mail I got:
"Hello Meghan, Copmpliments of the season, i really appreciate your quick response and the details of the house,I'll be so glad if you can reserve the room for me, i will like to tell you more about me and my mission, i'm from Houston Texas,i'm a quiet,clean,honest,responsible and easy going person to live with, I'm 5' 9,straight, 26 years of age. I dont drink nor smoke but i'm cool living with people that do. I love to go on date but seldomly party. I swim for fun and sometimes play beach football... i lives with my Uncle here in TX,my Dad and mom's died when i was young ,roommie i want you to know that i have no friends in the area except you for now lol....I am currently working on a research pertaining to my course work on culture and tourism. I hope to end my current assignment before the end of this month here in Texas and focus on my new assingment to your States..I will like to make a payment of $911 and hold the room for me before my arrival, and then i will make subsequent payment thereafter as i plan to stay for more than 6months. So i'll client to see you'll get the payment prior to my arriving date.in my mail i explained i am simple and laid back person, and i'll prefer a quiet and easy going roomate....To be honest with you i really like if you van give a lil description of yourself, if you have the picture of the bedroom available, kindly forward it to my mailbox. I am really okay with the place...I am planning to arrive by the 10th of next month,so i will love to know if i can make the payment ahead of my arrival via business check,money order or personnal Check,Bank acctount ...so you will get the payment by next week and i can go ahead making arrangement for sending the payment to you. Also i will much apprecaite if you can mail your information like,your mailing address to refer the payment to,your full name,your contact number as to appear on the payment. I will like to ship in my car,luggage,laptop and other materials for my research ahead of my arrival...I will also like you to remove the advert from the site b'cos i am ready to have your place rented.....Hope to read from you soon.

Regards. Lauren"

First of all...the grammer in this letter is just terrible. I really don't know what she meant in parts of this e-mail.
Second...I don't know you. We are not friends, and I'm not reserving a room for someone who can't answer any of the questions I asked.
Third...this is my second e-mail from you. I under no circumstances would send you my name, address, bank account info, etc. Are you kidding?
Fourth...out of all the e-mails I've gotten, this isn't the first one to end "Hope to read from you soon." That's a little too repetative for me.

So obviously I stopped all communication with this "person" after this e-mail. Well today I wanted to look up another girl we're considering to be a roommate see if she was legit, etc. I found this girl online, she's legit and all that good stuff. Well I got curious about a few other ppl that had e-mailed me and started looking them up as well. Fun fact I learned about this "Lauren Martin"...she and the versions of the e-mails I got are on a website that document scammers for housing. Awesome.

So just remember ladies and gentlemen. This is why you DO NOT give out anything more than the bare necessities until you are POSITIVE about what's going on.

Crazies.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Ready to ring in the New Year

Generally I'm never much for New Years save for the party and seeing all my friends. Typically I'm rather pessimistic and see it as another year to get older, broker, and more cynical. As much as I can spout optimism to those who expect/need to hear it I'm generally rather pessimistic surprisingly enough.

This year however I'm feeling a change of heart. This year I was overly excited to come home and celebrate Christmas. I've always loved Christmas, don't get me wrong; but the last several years I've just seen Christmas as a hassle to get gifts, wrap them, pull out holiday spirit, blah blah blah. However, going shopping this year didn't feel like a hassle. I wanted to go shopping. I had small ideas for everyone and then while I was out I'd stumble on something that worked perfectly. I had shopping done early and was excited to have everyone open their gifts. The drive home I was ready to be at the house, in my bed, snuggling with my dog, and all the comforts of home. Even the traditional shopping on Christmas Eve trip with dad really wasn't as painful as I gave him all the flack for (mostly based off his driving illogical planning).

Now I'm ready the New Year.

Very Ready.

2009 has been an interesting year. I've spent half the year in a relationship, the last half being single. I've lived in dorms, at home, and now I'm living in my own apt paying rent and bills. I've lived with 1 other suitemate, my family, and now up to 3 other roommates male and female. I've turned 21 and become legal in all aspects of my age. I've lost a car to flood waters. I've spent time with friends I feel like I've known my whole life and made more friends that I feel like I've known for more than a scant year. I've grown and changed a lot.

While that's a mixed and somewhat neutral list, it's been a rather stressful year. It's been a lot of little things that end up building up to some sort of bigger emotional explosion. I'm a crier by nature so this year has equaled a lot of tears. I hate crying because once I start crying I feel worse than I did before I lost it. It's a pretty ugly cycle really.

I'm just ready for a new year to start over completely.

2010. Something new.

In 2010 I'm ready to learn about myself. Particularly my single self. I've been in a relationship for the majority of my college career so to be single 3 and a half years later is just mind boggling. I thought I'd started to figure out who I was, but I realize now that was who I was as a person in a relationship. Now I've got refigure out single Meggan since this Meggan is highly different from the single Meggan in high school.

In 2010 I'm ready to build my self confidence higher than ever. I'm almost 22 years old and I've only within the last few months recognized myself as someone who could be viewed as pretty. I've never thought of myself as that person because I didn't ever believe I was. Maybe it's a side effect of this single thing, but I'm more comfortable with myself than I've ever been. I feel like I'm worth it. And damnit I plan on always feeling that way about myself.

In 2010 I'm ready to take better care of myself. Emotionally, physically, mentally, everything. I'm reminding myself to sluff off the little things and take things more at face value. When things change or don't go as planned I'm working on finding what's most important in the situation to salvage it and make the situation worth it. This year will be brighter.

I'm ready for 2010. I sure as hell hope it's ready for me because I'm coming at it like a bat outta hell and I'm ready to take over.

Life is known only by those who have found a way to be comfortable with change and the unknown. Given the nature of life, there may be no security, but only adventure. - Rachel Naomi Remen